Years ago, I was reading a self-help book that had a chapter on “Family of Origin” work. I posted on my local Flylady message board group that I was not looking forward to doing this work. One of the ladies in the group asked “Is this one of those Blame Your Parents books?” Cue the eye-roll and deep, exasperated sigh.
I think the reason many people assume that Family of Origin work is nothing more than a quest to find someone to blame for everything that has ever gone wrong is that they’re coming at it from a child’s perspective. A child looks for a way to avoid the consequences of their actions. “I didn’t mean to…” or “she made me…” are common excuses from a child.
Grown ups are just looking for an answer to the question “Why?” Why do I think this way? Why do I act this way? Why do I believe this, expect that? We seem to have an easier time dealing with our issues when we understand what brought them on. When we understand why, we can decide whether or not we want to continue accepting the why as our truth (litmus test, guiding light, standard.)
Family of Origin work is best done with the mindset of a Stoic. Stoics don’t judge the good or bad of a situation, it just is what it is. I react this way because this and this were going on in my home. Instead of labeling it “good” or “bad,” (and do we ever put this much effort into understanding the good?) I adopted the philosophy of “well, shit, no wonder!”
The biggest factor in being able to process my childhood without developing an intense hate for my family was to go back a generation and look at my parents’ family of origin. I call it “Family of Origin by proxy” or “Family of Origin by one degree of separation.” Call it whatever you want, but it stands to reason that if my current behavior is caused by the lessons of my childhood then my parents’ behaviors were caused by the lessons of their childhoods. We have no control over the behaviors of our parents and the lessons of our childhood, so how can we hold them accountable for theirs? Fair is fair, right?
I firmly believe that my parents gave me the best they had… just like I gave my kids the best I had. The simple fact is, parents don’t have all the answers and sometimes we’re just painfully deficient in our skills. There is no room for blame or hate in that belief. We have a choice, we can use that fact as an excuse for our bad behavior, or we can work to understand exactly where the deficiencies were and learn from them. Shedding our baggage requires the latter.
The other reason I don’t blame my mother can be summed up in a quote by my older brother, David. “The Statute of Limitations on Parental War Crimes Has Expired.” I love that quote! It speaks to what I believe is the most important character trait we can strive for… one of personal responsibility. I have added to his quote by changing it to “The Statute of Limitations on Parental War Crimes Expires on Your 25th Birthday.” My belief is that by the time you’ve been an adult for seven years, you’ve had enough exposure to philosophies other than your parents’ to have developed your own philosophy.
Have your done your Family of Origin work? Did you have a bunch of “well, shit, no wonder?” moments like I did? Leave me a comment about your experience with it or what’s stopping you from getting it done.
