Anyone who has had more than two real* conversations with me knows I am chock full of quotes, quips and clichés about Recovery. Specifically, about my recovery from codependency. One of my favorites is “When I start a sentence with “you gotta,” “you needta,” or “you shoulda,” I’m getting into business that isn’t my own.”
*When I refer to a “real conversation,” I’m talking about a conversation that’s deeper than a mud puddle. I’m talking about a philosophical conversation.
I have a very low tolerance for advice… giving or taking.
I hate giving advice for three reasons.
- Giving advice gives the impression that I think I’m more qualified than you are to decide what’s right for you. I don’t think anyone is more qualified than I am to make my decisions, so it would be hypocritical for me to try to make your decisions for you. I’m reasonably intelligent and until they prove otherwise… I assume other people are also reasonably intelligent. Even if they prove they’re not reasonably intelligent, I still don’t think I’m more qualified to make their decisions.
- I almost never have all the facts of the situation and without all the facts, I can’t make a good decision. When a case goes before a judge (or jury), no matter if it’s a criminal or civil case, both sides get to present their evidence before a decision is made. Each side gets to present every fact they have, the judge or jury looks at all the facts and then makes an educated decision. Only you have all your facts and only I have all of mine.
- If my advice doesn’t give the desired result… I’m going to get the blame. Advice is a recommendation, not an order. Yet, when someone takes your advice and it doesn’t work out the person wants to shift the blame to you. “Well, you told me to….” It doesn’t matter what the advice was. Ultimately, we make our own decision. We decide to follow the advice. Or not. But because we live in a society that puts more energy into blaming someone else for our problems instead of trying to learn from or correct them… the fact that we made the decision to follow bad or inefficient advice is lost on most.
I hate unsolicited advice given to me just as much as I hate giving advice. Just this morning, I was telling someone that I was going to write this blog post when I got to my delivery if it killed me. (FYI: I am sitting in the dock getting unloaded as I type this.) I also confessed that I’d been meaning to write this post for three days, but I keep allowing myself to get sidetracked. The person had just shared a goal and I reciprocated by sharing a goal of mine. In my mind that was the end of it. Boy, was I wrong. I was then told that I needed to put business first, I needed to put my job (driving this truck) before my blog, AND, I should forget the blog and consider writing a book instead.
For starters, I average 2,700 miles a week (even if you include the approximately 50 days I take off) throughout the year. If you take out those 50 days, my average goes up to 3,140 a week. I’m nowhere near neglecting my job. While I don’t know the exact numbers, I would still be willing to bet my next paycheck that I run harder than at least 50% of the drivers in this fleet. Secondly, I maintained those numbers while training new drivers and writing a weekly blog for the company I drive for. Third, I said I was being sidetracked from writing a blog post, not driving. Finally, in my experience, writing a book is a far more daunting task than maintaining a blog.
I’ve always found it interesting that the people most likely to offer unsolicited advice are usually the least qualified to give it. It’s very rare for me to ask for advice. When I do, it’s usually technical advice – like how to change the wax ring on a toilet – as opposed to asking someone to tell me how to handle a situation. Also, when I ask for advice, I’m going to ask someone who has more skills, education, and/or experience (than I do) in the area I’m needing advice in, not less.
The habit of trying to mind everyone else’s business (except mine) and allowing other people to mind my business created unnecessary burdens on my life. It also placed other people’s expectations and limitations on my life. There were plenty of times when those other people’s motivations weren’t in my best interests. It caused me to feel a lot of guilt I had no legitimate reason to feel and kept me from living up to my potential.
These days, when someone asks me, “Do you know what you need?” My response is “Yes I do, thanks for asking.” This stops them dead in their tracks and takes away their opportunity to give me unwanted advice.
When someone asks for my advice, I’m very upfront about my policy of not giving advice. I’m more than willing to listen and will try to ask questions that will help them figure out the answer for themselves, but I don’t tell people what they should do. If I’ve had a similar experience, I will share it, including some of my variables, how I handled it and how it worked out.
When I consider all the beliefs and habits that I label as baggage in my life, the giving and accepting of unsolicited advice is probably the most damaging. If it’s not the most damaging, it’s very high on the list. It didn’t just damage my self-esteem and my ability to reach my potential, it also damaged many of my relationships. It did damage that I cannot undo and cannot atone for. It did damage that I have spent half of my adult life trying to heal from.
I have a quote that a counselor told me to tell people when they try to tell me I should do something. You simply say “don’t should on me”. I also need to tell myself that sometimes. When I start telling myself I should have done this or that “don’t should on yourself”. I agree with you on this post because it does cause damage that takes years sometimes a lifetime to recover from.
I struggle with shoulding on myself, too!